For my Love…
I know I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be. You are not perfect and we will never be. So we don’t have to pretend that we are a perfect couple, because we are not but we love each other and that’s enough. We belong to each other and this is so beautiful but we can’t make promises. Why?! Because promises are not our type. Once you told me that you want to be forever with me and now it’s a lie. I know we will love each other for a lifetime but we can’t say that we will be together for a life. I think this is clear. This makes me sick… because forever is never happening. But one thing for sure is that I will love you forever deep in my veins and deep in my heart. Everything is changing and that’s good but sometimes I can’t change my mind and my attitude for a better life because sometimes all I want is to stay in this place and stay with you right here and right now. Sometimes I just want to stop everything and take a deep breath with you. And the saddest thing that I will never move on you… Never.
For now I want you to know that I’m a big girl even though I cry many times and even if I can’t think straight because I’m so sensitive. But while you are here I will make you happy. We will do many things together. We will eat dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. We will go out with our friends and then we will go home and eat pizza at 3 a.m. We will laugh so much because we are the funniest people in the earth. We will watch as many movies as we can and eat as many ice creams as we can. We will fight but after the fight we will calm down and hug each other. We will do so many plans for the future and we will support each other because we are here for each other. We will travel to everywhere and do many adventures together because we live for new experiences and we live for happy moments. We want to discover the world and we want to grow. Now we can do this together and we say “forever” many times… But we now it’s a lie. We shouldn’t talk about it. Because for now everything is good and whatever happens we know we have so many memories. And memories belongs to us… Well..Forever!
My friend wrote this poem today. Reading your letter and her poem just both really make me question things. Im in the same situation where I’m trying so hard to not worry about losing someone I love in the future.
Dear Love (and why you suck)
Sometimes I think that love toys with me because she knows just how easy it is to break me. If I could sing of all the ways in which she got me wrong, or fumbled on her timing, god damnit my vocal chords would rip themselves out- because I sure wouldn’t have the strength to. I surrender; I am waving the white flag because I am defeated by her lack of empathy. Why does she give only to take? Is it because my child-like-heart still refuses to learn from the many mistakes that I’ve made?
Innocence doesn’t know any better than to look for comfort and warmth in open spaces, doesn’t bother to use a compass to find out where exactly it’s running to, or even understand that not everybody who holds my hand is worth bleeding out for.
The other day love came through my doors unannounced: she was livid and shouting obscenities, demanding me to tell her what exactly it was that I wanted from her. What.did.I.want. from.her? The audacity-
Where were you when the entire house of cards that we built and called home, came crashing down? You know, I still haven’t managed to pick out the small pieces of your betrayal from the hallowed out spaces between my bruised ribs. As it turns out, you actually can’t fashion a future out of tattered faith and recycled paper just like you said.
YOU’RE A SUFFOCATOR: my lungs are burned and black because I’m still breathing in smoke from the previous fires that you started. How dare you leave my mouth parched, constantly thirsty for something sweeter than your bitter endings! That is not fair. I found out years too late that blind trust is really not the same as following you, mind shut, into the dark. (And just to let you know, you actually never did explain the difference between “white lies” and “half truths” right.)
I’m exhausted. But I guess constantly having to search for meaning in empty conversations will do that to a person. I followed your voice here because I thought that that was what you wanted me to do. Well, wasn’t it?…
If you stop singing the blues for me, I promise I’ll stop blaming you for my river of tears. When I was younger my father taught me that “pain only builds character”, and so I will take all shit that you’ve put me through and paint it a nice gold. To be fair, I must commend you for a valuable lesson I’ve learnt:
assholes do come packaged quite nicely don’t you think?
P.S I would really like my running shoes back.
No matter how much you love him you should love yourself more. Because in the end you will stand there alone and in tears. This is not good. So if you try too hard to get him, stop. Stop, because he should run after you with flowers with teddy bears or with cheesecakes. Im not kidding because if he is the one he will do this for you , no matter what. I know it’s not that easy but promise me one thing… You will love yourself more!